Monty Jack's Flying Circus - Charity Oliver

Rescue Rangers are copyright of Disney.

"The Girl is Mine" is written by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney.

Monty Python's Flying Circus is copyright of Python (Monty) Pictures.

The BBC is copyright of the BBC.

Disney is copyright of Disney.

*****

The BBC would like to announce that it does not support the views of this program, and that all inquiries should bedirected toward Disney.

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Disney would like to announce that it does not support the views of the program, and that all inquiries should bedirected toward the BBC.

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The author would like to announce that she has made this program in full admiration of both Monty Python’s FlyingCircus and Rescue Rangers, but with null consent from either company. She would also like to warn the public that massive consumption of RC Cola and Skybars can lead to silly fan fiction.

*****

[Chip walks into the living room of Ranger Headquarters from the kitchen. Dale is the only other person here. He is lying on the couch reading a comic book. Gadget enters through the front door carrying a large piece of electrical equipment.]

Gadget: Hi guys!

Chip and Dale: Hi Gadget!

Chip: Can I help you with that?

Gadget: I don't think...

Dale: I'll get it!

[Gadget ducks out of the way as the two chipmunks race to help her carry the equipment. Chip pushes past Dale to get to Gadget. With a heroic sweep, he reaches down to pick up the equipment. He can barely lift it. Dale pushes Chip out of the way.]

Dale: Let a real man come to your rescue!

[Dale picks it up two inches, and turns to chip sticking his tongue out. He then loses his grip, drops the equipment on his foot, and howls in pain while Chip laughs. Gadget picks up the equipment easily and turns to exit.]

Gadget: Uhh... I think I can get it just fine...

[Gadget leaves quickly, the two chipmunks are fuming at each other.]

Chip: Is this the right time for a discussion, about Gadget?

Dale: [dreamily] Any time would be great for Gadget!

Chip: You really need to stop bothering her. She really loves me!

Dale: No she doesn't. She loves me!

Chip: How do you know?

Dale:(pause) She told me once.

Chip: No she didn't!

Dale: Yes she did.

Chip: When?

Dale: Just now.

Chip: No she didn't!

Dale: Yes she did!

Chip: She didn't!

Dale: She did!

Chip: She didn't!

Dale: I'm telling you, she did!

Chip: She didn't!

Dale: (breaking into the developing argument) Oh I'm sorry, what time is it? Super-Human Samurai Cyber Squad should be coming on soon!

Chip: Ah! (taking out and looking at a huge pocket watch) Just five minutes.

Dale: Just five minutes! Thank you. Anyway, she did.

Chip: She most certainly did not!

Dale: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: She most definitely told me!

Chip: Dale, we're not going to fight about this, okay!

Dale: Chip, I think I told you, I'm a lover, not a fighter!

Chip: Eh, I've heard it all before, she told me I'm her forever lover, don't you remember?

Dale: Well, after loving me she said she couldn't love another!

Chip: Is that what she said?

Dale: And she said, "You keep dreamin'!"

[really fast]

Chip: Oh no she didn't!

Dale: Oh yes she did!

Chip: Oh no she didn't!

Dale: Oh yes she did!

Chip: Oh no she didn't!

Dale: Oh yes she did!

Chip: Oh no she didn't!

Dale: Oh yes she did!

Chip: Oh no she didn't!

Dale: Oh yes she did!

Chip: Oh no she didn't!

Dale: Oh yes she did!

Chip: No she DIDN'T!

Dale: Oh yes she did!

Chip: No she DIDN'T!

Dale: Oh yes she did!

Chip: No she DIDN'T!

Dale: Oh yes she did!

Chip: Oh look, this isn't a discussion!

(pause)

Dale: Yes it is!

Chip: No it isn't!

(pause)

Chip: It's just contradiction!

Dale: No it isn't!

Chip: It IS!

Dale: It is NOT!

Chip: You just contradicted me!

Dale: No I didn't!

Chip: You DID!

Dale: No no no!

Chip: You did just then!

Dale: Nonsense!

Chip: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!

(pause)

Dale: No it isn't!

Chip: Yes it is!

(pause)

I came here for a good discussion!

Dale: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*!

Chip: A discussion isn't just an argument.

Dale: Well! it CAN be!

Chip: No it can't A discussion is a connected series of statements intended to establish proposition.

Dale: No it isn't!

Chip: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.

Dale: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!

Chip: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't".

Dale: Yes it is!

Chip: No it isn't!

Dale: Yes it is!

Chip: No it isn't!

Dale: Yes it is!

Chip: No it ISN'T! Discussion is an intellectual process Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

Dale: It is NOT!

Chip: It is!

Dale: Not at all!

Chip: It is!

[The clock chimes as it hits one o' clock.]

Dale: Thank you, that's it.

Chip: (stunned) What?

Dale: That's it. My show is on.

Chip: But I was just getting interested!

Dale: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.

Chip: That was never five minutes!!

Dale: I'm afraid it was.

Chip: (leading on) No it wasn't.....

(pause)

Dale: (dirty look) I'm sorry, I'm not going to discuss this any more. Super-Human Samurai Cyber Squad is on. I haven't seen this episode yet.

Chip: WHAT??

Dale: If you want me to go on with this discussion, you'll have to pay me so I can get one of their comics instead.

Chip: But that was never five minutes just now!

(pause... Dale raises his eyebrows)

Oh Come on!

Oh this is...

This is ridiculous!

Dale: I told you... I told you, I'm not going to continue unless you give me money for a comic!

Chip: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and gives Dale a dollar.) There you are.

Dale: Thank you.

Chip: (clears throat) Well...

Dale: Well WHAT?

Chip: That was never five minutes just now.

Dale: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've given me money for a comic!

Chip: Well I just paid!

Dale: No you didn't! You can't buy a comic for a dollar anymore!

Chip: I DID!!!

Dale: YOU didn't!

Chip: I DID!!!

Dale: YOU didn't!

Chip: I DID!!!

Dale: YOU didn't!

Chip: I DID!!!

Dale: YOU didn't!

Chip: (unable to talk straight he's so mad) I don't want to argue about it!

Dale: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't give me enough money!

Chip: Ah HAH!! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!

Dale: (pause) No you haven't!

Chip: Yes I have!

If you're arguing, I must have paid.

Dale: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing because the show is not shown on Saturday.

Chip: Why you little...

(Chip stalks away fuming.)

*****

The Cheese Sketch

Scene: A cafe.

[One table is occupied by a group of Pi-rats. Monty and Chip enter. Dale is the waiter and Gadget is the cook.]

Monty: Let's sit here.

Chip: All right. Why didn't Zipper want to come with us?

Monty: E' doesn't like this restaurant, not enough flies in the kitchen!

(to Dale) Morning!

Dale: Morning!

Monty: Well, what've you got?

Dale: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and cheese; egg bacon and cheese; egg bacon sausage and cheese; cheese bacon sausageand cheese; cheese egg cheese cheese bacon and cheese; cheese sausage cheese cheese bacon cheese tomato and cheese;

Pi-rats (starting to chant): Cheese cheese cheese cheese...

Dale: ...cheese cheese cheese egg and cheese; cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese baked beans cheese cheese cheese...

Pi-rats (singing): Cheese! Lovely cheese! Lovely cheese!

Dale: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and cheese.

Chip: Have you got anything without cheese?

Dale: Well, there's cheese egg sausage and cheese, that's not got much cheese in it.

Chip: I don't want ANY cheese!

Monty: Why can't he have egg bacon cheese and sausage?

Chip: THAT'S got cheese in it!

Monty: Hasn't got as much cheese in it as cheese egg sausage and cheese, has it?

Pi-rats : Cheese cheese cheese cheese (crescendo through next few lines)

Chip: Could you do the egg bacon cheese and sausage without the cheese then?

Dale: Urgghh!

Chip: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like cheese!

Pi-rats : Lovely cheese! Wonderful cheese!

Dale: (to Pi-rats) Shut up!

Pi-rats :Lovely cheese! Wonderful cheese!

Dale: Shut up! (Pi-rats stop) Stupid Pi-rats! You can't have egg bacon cheese and sausage without the cheese.

Chip (screaming): I don't like cheese!

Monty: Sshh, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your cheese. I love it. I'm having cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese baked beans cheese cheese cheese and cheese!

Pi-rats (singing): Cheese cheese cheese cheese. Lovely cheese! Wonderful cheese!

Dale: (to pi-rats) Shut up!!

(Gadget runs out of the kitchen and hides under a table. There is a loud explosion from the kitchen. Lumpy brown sauce covers the window in the kitchen door.)

Dale: (groans) (to Monty) Baked beans are off.

Monty: Well could I have his cheese instead of the baked beans then?

Dale: You mean cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese... (but it is too late and the pi-rats drown his words)

Pi-rats (singing elaborately): Cheese cheese cheese cheese. Lovely cheese! Wonderful cheese! Cheese che-e-e-e-e-s-e cheese che-e-e-e-e-s-e cheese. Lovely cheese! Lovely cheese! Lovely cheese! Lovely cheese! Lovely cheese! Cheese cheese cheese cheese!

*****

The Feline Inquisition Sketch

Dale: Trouble at Police Station.

Foxglove: Oh no - what kind of trouble?

Dale: (fast) Donuts ‘ave been ‘jacked!

Foxglove: Pardon?

Dale: (fast) Donuts ‘ave been ‘jacked!

Foxglove: I don't understand what you're saying.

Dale: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) The donuts have been hijacked.

Foxglove: Well what on earth does that mean?

Dale: *I* don't know - Chip just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the police station, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Feline Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)

(The door flies open and Cardinal Fat Cat of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals, Cardinal Wart and Cardinal Mole.)

Fat Cat: NOBODY expects the Feline Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthlessly good fashion sense.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthlessly good fashion sense...and as almost fanatical devotion to myself.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise, Decon.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)

Dale: I didn't expect a kind of Feline Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)

(The cardinals burst in)

Fat Cat: NOBODY expects the Feline Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthlessly good fashion sense, an almost fanatical devotion to myself, and nice polyester uniforms - Oh great! (To Cardinal Wart) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Wart: What?

Fat Cat: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'

Wart: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...

(Fat Cat bundles the cardinals outside again) Dale: I didn't expect a kind of Feline Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)

(The cardinals enter)

Wart: Er.... Nobody...um....

Fat Cat: Expects...

Wart: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Feline...um...

Fat Cat: Inquisition.

Wart: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Feline Inquisition. In fact those who do expect -

Fat Cat: Our chief weapons are...

Wart: Our chief weapons are...um...er...

Fat Cat: Surprise...

Wart: A prize and --

Fat Cat: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal read the charges.

Mole: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit herese against the evil-doers of the city. 'My old man said follow the--'

Wart: That's enough. (To Foxglove) Now, how do you plead?

Foxglove: We're innocent.

Fat Cat: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')

Wart: We'll soon change your mind about that!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')

Fat Cat: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

(Wart produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Fat Cat looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)

Fat Cat: You....Right! Tie her down.

(Mole and Wart make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack. Foxglove glares at them and they both move away from her.)

Fat Cat: Right! How do you plead?

Foxglove: Innocent.

Fat Cat: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.

(Wart stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)

Wart: I....

Fat Cat: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Wart: I...

Fat Cat: It makes it all seem so stupid.

Wart: Shall I...?

Fat Cat: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Wart turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack)

(Cut to them torturing Camembert Kate).

Fat Cat: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action - *four* counts. Do you confess?

Camembert Kate:You’ve got to be kidding!

Fat Cat: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Wart! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

(JARRING CHORD)

(Wart holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)

Wart: Here they are, lord.

Fat Cat: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the light side of the force -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Katie: I don't know what you're talking about.

Fat Cat: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

(Wart carries out this rather pathetic torture)

Fat Cat: Confess! Confess! Confess!

Wart: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.

Fat Cat: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

Wart: Yes, lord.

Fat Cat (angrily hurling away the cushions): Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Mole! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

(JARRING CHORD)

(Zoom into Mole's horrified face) Mole (terrified): The...Comfy Chair?

(Wart pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)

Fat Cat: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Wart! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)

Fat Cat (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven (aside, to Wart) Is that really all it is?

Wart: Yes, lord.

Fat Cat: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!

Mole: I confess!

Fat Cat: (glares at Mole) Not you!

*****

Lightning Bug: 'Evening, Zipper!

Zipper: (stiffly)Bzzz bzzzt.

Lighting Bug: Is, uh,...Is your Queenie a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

Zipper: Bzzz, bzz buzzzz?

Lightning Bug: Your, uh, your Queenie, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?

Zipper: (flustered) Bzz, buz bzz buz buz, bzzz.

Lightning Bug: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?

Zipper: (confused) Buzzzz, bzz buzzz buzz bzzzz.

Lightning Bug: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a blink to a blind bat

Zipper: (annoyed) Buz bzz bzzz BUZZ buzzzt?

Lightning Bug: Sorry, I forgot you were friends with... that bat.

Zipper: Bzzzz bzz buzt buzz zzt?

Lightning Bug: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay? (pause) Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!

Zipper: Buzz Bzzzzzzt.

Lightning Bug: Is, your uh, is your Queenie a sport, ay?

Zipper: Buzzz, buz zzzt.

Lightning Bug: I bet she does, I bet she does!

Zipper: Bzzzz buz, buzzzt buz zzzt buzzz bzzzt.

Lightning Bug: She left you for a cricket?

Zipper: Zzt, buzz bzzzzz.

Lightning Bug: Oh, the game cricket. 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been around a bit, been around?

Zipper: Buzzz bzt buzz, zzt. Buzz bzzzzz bzt buzzzzzzz bzzzzt. (pause)

Lightning Bug: SAY NO MORE! She's from Spring Valley, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, Zipper!

Zipper: Buzzzz bzzzt.

Lightning Bug: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib! Is your uh, is your Queenie interested in....photography, ay? "Photographs, ay", he asked him knowingly?

Zipper: Bzzzzzzzt?

Lightning Bug: Snap snap, grin grin, blink blink, nudge nudge, say no more?

Zipper: Bzzzz buzz, bzt?

Lightning Bug: They could be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know? CANDID photography?

Zipper: (annoyed) Bzt, buzzzzz buzzz bzzzt.

Lightning Bug: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?

Zipper: (annoyed) Buzz, bzzzzt buz bzzz zzzzzt?

Lightning Bug: Oh, no, no, no...yes.

Zipper: (annoyed) Zzzzzzzzt?

Lightning Bug: Well, you're a man of the world, Zipper.

Zipper: Buzz...

Lightning Bug: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh... You've "done it"....

Zipper: Buzzz bzzzt zzt?

Lightning Bug: Well, I mean like,....you've KISSED a lady....

Zipper: Bzzzz....

Lightning Bug: What's it like?

*****

Monty Jack's Flying Circus

was conceived, written, and performed by:

Chip Maplewood

Dale Oakmont

Foxglove Digitalis

Gadget Hackwrench

Montery Jack

Zipper

also performed by:

Camembert Kate

Fat Cat

Lightning Bug

Mole

Wart

*****

Author's Notes

There it was, my Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Ranger / Monty Python's Flying Circus Crossover. I admit it's not a masterpiece, but it's only my third long story, and I don't see either series very often. It's not that bad! Cut that out! (Sigh) I never really wanted to be a writer in the first place... I... I wanted to be...

A RESCUE RANGER!

(piano vamp)

Leaping from tree to tree! Traveling around the world, saving the planet from destruction, with my friends by my side!

The larch!

The pine!

The giant redwood tree!

The sequoia!

The largest oak tree in the park!

We'd sing! Sing! Sing!

Oh, I'm a Rangerphile, and I'm okay, I sleep all night, solve crimes all day.

Mounties: She's a Rangerphile, and she's okay. She sleeps all night, solves crimes all day.

I climb up trees, eat cheese for lunch, I live in the oak tree. On Wednesdays I trash Fat Cat, and have acorns with my tea.

Mounties: She climbs up trees, eats cheese for lunch, She lives in the oak tree. On Wednesdays 'e trashes Fat Cat, and has acorns with her tea. She's a Rangerphile, and she's okay. She sleeps all night, solves crimes all day.

I climb up trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on violet overalls, and stay in my workshop for hours.

Mounties: She climbs up trees, she skips and jumps, She likes to press wild flowers. She puts on violet overalls, and stays in her work shop for hours???????

She's a Rangerphile, and she's okay. She sleeps all night, solves crimes all day.

I climb up trees, I wear goggles, I don't like to wear shoes. I wish I'd been a rodent, I'm feeling so confused.

Mounties: She climbs up trees, she wears goggles, She doesn't like to wear shoes???? spoken, raggedly) What's this? Wants to be a *Rodent*? Oh, My! and I thought you were so... human-like!

Oh, I'm a Rangerphile, and I'm okay, I sleep all night, solve crimes all day.

All: She's a Rangerphile, and she's okay. She sleeps all night, solves crimes all day.

THE END